Today my head and my heart have not been in the same place. My thoughts are heading in one direction moving in the direction of my choice whilst my heart is off on its own journey, a different path. It is very uncomfortable having this conflict within me. Who is right? Do I follow my heart or my head. Who has the last say. I could choose to follow what my mind thinks, that is the logical way, but I will forever wonder what I would become had I followed my heart. I could follow my heart and kick myself for being so silly and not doing what I “knew” was right.
Somewhere in among these thoughts and feelings I have realized that there is a traitor that is operating in my life. Pulling certain strings, whispering ideas to me when no one is around, influencing my decisions. I have found the traitor, the deceiver, the one who would not hesitate to stab me in the back when I least expect it. Crafty bugger this traitor, always been close, pretending to be my friend, loyal adviser, looking out for my best interest. Sometimes I sit and listen soaking it all in, like a man dying of thirst comming to an oasis. She shows me the future and paints a rosey picture. He tells me not to listen to my heart or my head, listen to your friend, wife, parents, child, society. And just when I do she tells me that they all wrong. This traitor lives within me, it is me, the age old battle, the God vs Devil, the good vs bad, the perception, reputation, the fear. Well I have seen you for who you are. Yes go on and tell me your tales, you no longer influence my decisions.
I know that inside me I have the answer, I know the path to travel. I can sit back and continue along the road and I know what will happen. I will live a good life, a happy life, I will be successful in my business, I will be a leader in the community, I will live a sheltered life. Slowly but surely the traitor, my heart will stop talking to me, it will comment now and again and eventually stop all together. One day I will be an old man, I will wake up and hear the silence, I will realize that my heart stopped talking to me a long time ago and I have lived a life like most other people. I did the right thing, didn’t take a chance, grew old and lived a good life. The whole process of living passed me by because I sat back and didn’t do what I needed to do. I watched the years pass by, jealous at the free spirit of the hippies, surfers, adventurers, travelers that past through my home town, justified my choice by saying that I have a shelter secure life and they do not know what awaits them. I know my plan, work hard, don’t take risks and live till I am old, these travelers just don’t get it, they just live for the moment and so I go back to weeding my garden, or playing golf or whatever it is I find myself doing and when my heart says, go join them, I shut it out, strangle it and call it a traitor. And then one day my heart will say, for 80 years I worked hard to keep this man alive, I spoke to him, advised him and cared for him, he stopped listening to me, we were best friends when he was young, we spoke with each other for hours, all those hours that he spend alone, camping, walking, surfing, lying on his back staring at the sky. Then slowly he became more important, he wanted to be someone, to conform to society, to make a name for himself. He started becoming proud and thought that the lessons he learn’t from his books, friends and peers were more important than want I his heart had to say and he locked me up. Enslaved me is his chest destined to just provide the beat of life, the beat which should be filled with the rhythm of life has become a monotonous irritation in his ears. Today, my heart will eventually say, I will stop. Today he will take notice of me and beg me to give him one more chance, today he will die.
So I stand here, time to choose. I look back at some of the people in my life that have pasted away, some like my great uncle lived good wholesome lives, worked hard his whole life, gave me great business advice and life skills, retired and passed away shortly thereafter. My oupa, of who I have been thinking about quite a lot lately, especially when I was in Cape Town running over the same mountain tracks he used to explore as a kid, a hard man, hard working, hard life, heaps of kids who he loved, at the end of his life he too looked back to the day where he had to make the decision of which path to follow and as hard as life was he felt that life chose for him rather than him choosing life. My other grandpa, was not an influential person, he rubbed people up the wrong way and drove people crazy with his apparent lack of drive to get anywhere. He floated along, drinking, gambling and doing as he pleased. Society did not look highly upon him. He could really piss me off as he did with most people that crossed his path. He could also tell you the best story you ever heard, and most of them were true life stories of his own adventures. When his heart beat its last breath it was a joyous occasion, a statement that sung out to the world, we have lived. He followed his heart and people paid the price along the way, but he lived full and when you spoke to him you could see the fire and passion in his eyes. He drank, as many do, but that could not smother the ferocity of life that he lived. An understood person.
I can learn from these people, and alot more that I know who have walked before me. Some lived following both the prophet and the traitor in their hearts unable to tell them apart, but they lived, others lived according to our society and what is deemed a respectable life. They existed much as a tree does, a tree is a wonderful thing, it provides shade, fruit and shelter. My destiny is not to be a tree.
and so I cut my blog short, I stopped writing earlier on and I have lost the flow, please comment. Tell me I am insane, tell me you understand, tell me to pull myself together. I don’t are, I value your comments no matter what your thought I know they are your opinion. So feel free, and please let me know what you think….