Every now and then we face a life experience that causes a shift in our consciousness. Some of these experiences may be instantaneous like a first kiss, whilst others might play out over a long period of time, kind of like the divorce process I am going through. The length of time over which these play out does not lessen the effect of the experience. For me the memories, lessons and growth that the particular experience affords me are the indicators of how I dealt with the situation at hand.
For almost two years I have been fairly silent and reserved during my divorce process. The only times that I was a little vocal was when certain buttons of mine were pushed. I have found that people that who know you are generally the ones that know how to push your buttons. I felt rather right about myself being the good guy in the process. Whilst feeling right was entirely my own opinion it was rather comfortable to be right about feeling right. The past weekend was just a bridge too far when unsolicited advice on how I should behave just push me over the edge. Saturday was breaking day, probably a day I will never forget because it was also my daughters 7th birthday. However I had to keep things together as we still had all three of the children at home with us. We got through Sunday as a fairly normal family, riding bicycles, going to the beach and doing what was necessary to keep my mind occupied. Sunday night I wrote my blog https://dylaninportalfred.wordpress.com/2015/03/08/crack-me-open/
Then on Monday it went wild. I suddenly wondered what I had done. I had just opened myself up to the rest of the world and risked not only myself but my family as well. The people that cared for me throughout this trying time and stood by me were suddenly part of this as well. I had given this thought before posting the blog but I did not foresee the volume of traffic that I would get. So on Monday evening Tania and I did one of our meditations and then took a long walk on the beach to reflect on what had transpired. We looked at the consequences of going from a quite sheltered life to opening ourselves up to criticism, considered the impact it would have on the children especially my step daughter who is at the age where social media dominates the communication of her peer group.
The experience that Tania and I have had this week has been one of understanding and support. No one is claiming that we have it all right, but no one has given us any negative comments directly either. This has given us the space we have needed to consciously reflect on the past two years and ensure that I am still operating from a space of integrity with who I am. The journey has also been a long one and reflecting back has made me realize that I was maybe not emotionally ready to tackle everything I needed to do all at once and that even though all the difficulties I have endured (and that everyone else involved has endured) took their toll on us all, they will shape our future. These experiences are going to make us who we are. The way I handle myself on a daily basis will have a direct impact on how I turn out.
My saving grace is that I am not in this alone, without my support structure this journey would be much harder for me. My partner Tania has been my rock. There have been many days when I have been amazed that she has stood by my side with all the abuse that has come her way, and yet she has my back. Tania is the one that calms me down and helps me see the big picture. Tania is the one who spurs me on when I have lost the will to keep fighting. Tania is the one who keeps on loving me even when I stop loving myself. Most importantly Tania is there for my children, always supporting them, watching the events they partake in, reading bedtime stories with us, helping make lunch for school and generally being the most amazing step mom in the face of everything that we have had to deal with. Tania has become an extension of my family, and even though we are not married and we are unable to legally marry until my divorce is finalized, Tania is one of us. The rest of my support structure is too large to mention everyone, but my Dad and my Mom are right up at the front. Not always agreeing with me, but always there for me. The beauty of all the people that have helped me on this journey is that none of them have blindly just stood by me. They have all at times questioned my reasons for doing certain things, made sure that I was keeping in line with who I am and ensuring that my primary motivation for any decision I make is the well-being of the two most important people in this whole saga, our little children.
So for all we have journeyed through, I have grown. I have learnt to love again with far more passion and vigor. I have learnt to value the people in my life both near and far. I have seen how people react under pressure and what characteristics differentiate between someone who can objectively look at a situation and what type of person believes the hype. I have learnt to forgive, myself and others. I have learnt that closing one door means having to open another. And I have learnt that when you make a wrong choice you get to choose again, and again, and again if need be.
Here is a link to Tania’s blog this will give you some insight to the powerful and amazing woman that has carried me on her shoulders, cried in my arms and held onto love, hope and belief in a better tomorrow