The ugly truth of People Pleasing…

I always thought that I could make a difference in the world. I learned early on that helping people and solving their problems was a great currency when it came to making new friends and fitting into a group of people. I worked hard to become good at being helpful. By the time I was 12 years old, it was part of my make up. If a teacher needed something done I would be first to put up my hand. A friend in need could rely on me to drop what I was doing to help out. The problem was that this helpfulness was coming from a space of desperately wanting to fit in. Wanting to be noticed.

Yes, I was a people pleaser. I grew up to be the guy on every committee, the guy that would stick up his hand for any project and then try do it alone because I was too afraid to ask for help. Anything that needed to be done, I was your guy. Whether at work, at home or socially I was virtually incapable of saying NO.

The truth is I actually really did want to make a difference. I honestly wanted to help and be helpful. Deep inside helping people was my autopilot setting, on the surface, it showed up and was intertwined with being well-liked, respected and wealthy. I worked in the insurance industry and I found the environment very negative at times. Clients were always seeking the best deal, looking to cut costs and mindful of their spending. Admittedly I had amazing clients most of which I would consider as friends. Every time a claim was not paid, I would take it personally.

My biggest struggle was my lack of boundaries. I had become so used to saying yes to everyone that I had all but lost the ability to start saying no. The only time I could say NO was to myself. The internal dialog was full of No’s when it came to meeting my own needs. I viewed any self-care as an act of selfishness. Besides, there were people out there that needed me you know. If I didn’t help who would. This thinking fed my ego and met a very early need that had somehow developed as a child. If I was helping out people would not only see me they would also engage with me. The cycle had become so very toxic within me. I had no healthy boundaries and I was beginning a downward spiral.

In November 2017 it all became too much and I broke. I had a nervous breakdown. I left my job, I hid away from the world and I just wanted to disappear. I could not go on anymore. I wanted out. It had to end. I was suicidal and I saw no hope for the future.

During my “recovery” I started coaching some people. I hold a certificate in Executive Coaching, and I saw other people hurting much like I was. Sometimes the coaching was not much more than a coffee and a chat, for others it spanned over a few months. Each person unique. I got to the point where I realized that I was not alone on this journey and I could help others through the training and life experiences I had. Soon people started contacting me and engaging with me. I was coming alive again. I could do this, in fact, I was doing this. People started seeking me out and my days were beginning to hold far more meaning. Not only could I make a difference in the world, but I was. Every day in some way shape or form I was impacting the lives of people in a positive way.

I had discovered that I do not need to help people solve the problem, most of us already know what to do. What was required was someone to guide, support, encourage and hold people accountable to themselves. This was a breakthrough moment for me. I was helping people become the best versions of themselves as they saw fit.

This was all truly amazing. The only hiccup was that whilst my depression, stress, and anxiety had gone my bills and responsibilities remained. It was all fine and well following my passion, but my passion was not putting food on the table or keeping the roof over our heads. We were faced with a choice as a family. I could go back into the market and look for a job that would pay well or we would have to drastically change our lifestyle. In the end, it was a relatively simple choice, my breakdown had taught me that happiness always won over money. We took drastic measures. We sold our dream house, cut all our expenses, downscaled my wife’s business as it was not profitable in certain fields. I was committed to following my passion and Tania had my back. We were in this together. My breakdown was as hard on Tania as it was on me. Together we could do this.

Things started happening quickly. Momentum is like that, and when we are living our passion it burns like a raging fire that quickly spreads and warms those that are in contact with us.

I have started writing again, I now have a podcast going and two Facebook groups. Tania and I have created the Warrior Tribe to meet the needs of the people that we interact with.

Warriors do not win every battle that they fight. In fact, some warriors never return from battle, and all warriors know this, yet they still battle because they believe in the good fight. Tania and I too are warriors. We choose to fight the good fight and we will bravely go to battle to fight for our dreams. We march forward with purpose and passion. We march forward nervous about what waits for us in the future, but onwards we march.

If you too believe in yourself and your dreams, then we personally invite you to join our Warrior Tribe and face the challenges that each day brings. Our commitment to you is that we will train our tribe to face the challenges that meet us every day. We are committed to growing our tribe through our ongoing study of the very best practices and methods to handle life in the 21st century. We believe that you need to take up your sword and follow your heart. If not those that are marching towards battle will use you.

The choice is yours. Are you ready to become a Warrior?

 

 

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About Dylan Murray

just an ordinary chap on a mission to enjoy life, and live to my full potential. I am a father of three and a friend to many. I live and work in a little piece of paradise we like to call The Kowie. I have a keen sense of adventure and I enjoy the outdoors. I share my life and adventures with Tania, who is my Soul Mate, Lover, Companion and fellow Adventurer. Together we are creating our legacy and loving this journey called life.
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